pop tarts are not kleenex
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
