fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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