Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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