My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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