I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He? As in you personified your dick?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
