I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
