Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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