I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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