I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
