my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
