there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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