They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
