so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
