i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
