May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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