Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
