Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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