Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
