OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
