That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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