I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
