got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
