i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
