My sheets look like a crime scene.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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