i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
