I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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