Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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