If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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