1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
