so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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