There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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