I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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