respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
