I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
