I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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