I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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