The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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