I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he was CRYING into my vagina
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
