There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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