Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
