I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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