Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
