Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
