I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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