thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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