You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
