that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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