I feel like I'm in dance class right now
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
