I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
