Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's never too late to be topless.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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