when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
