If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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