So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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