Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
