Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
