I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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