It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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