ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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