What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
