We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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