Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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