Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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