So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
