who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
is that a dick in a sweater?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
