I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
