saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
