Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
