I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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